Illness Illusion
by Shinya en Grey
Summary: Duo has a little problem but doesn't want no one knowing, how will Heero and the others react when they find out what it is? *Yaoi*
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: In a world where night lasts forever, j-rock rules and cigarettes are cheap… I own G Wing. But, get real, that's never gonna happen so DON'T SUE! :P

Warnings: The rating is for future topics and self mutilation, nothing big really. It's a little AUish but not that much, I just changed some things, and maybe OOC… don't know yet.

Pairings: If you read you'll see ^^ 

A/N: I know, this is portrayed in so many other fics but a few days ago I met someone with similar problems. She got my attention from the first minute she started talking so… I couldn't resist the temptation!

It helped too that I was listening this Gackt Song called "Illness Illusion"  (Gosh, Gackt's a GOD ^^U) Hence the name of the fic. If you wanna read the translation go to this page:

http://www.senshigakuen.com/translations/lyrics/gackt/illness_illusion.htm  so you know what I'm talking about. Ok, now, onto the fic!

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**Illness Illusion**

**~Prologue~**

Duo's POV.

_Italics denotes thoughts_

And this [] are author notes.

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It's just so… intense…

There's no other word to describe it… watching the scarlet droplets flowing slowly… the cuts aren't as deep as to bleed myself to death but… the sole sensation makes the little scars bearable.

Why do I do this to myself? Hmmm… I still don't know… I just discovered it a few days ago. Of course, I've read tons about this stuff but I never thought I would be one to do it.

With what frequency you ask? Well, it depends on how I feel. Sometimes I just do a small cut, others, it's a like a bar code on my arm. At times it really horrifies me to know what I'm doing but when the razor touches the skin… the slight burning and the adrenaline running through my veins… it makes me feel alive… yeah… I think that answers the first question, ne?

How do I do it? There's not a list of steps to follow, although I'm careful. I wouldn't like to die of an infection or something like that. Firstly I put the cutter, knife, razor, whatever on the fire for a few seconds, then I cool it off with some oxygenate water to disinfect it. No, not alcohol. One of my ex-teachers told me that alcohol was useless; it's ok to make kids cry, though. After that I lock myself in the bathroom, cut one, two or three times and I… enjoy the moment…

And yes, it's necessary to use long sleeved shirts if you don't wanna be caught, that's the dull part of all this…

I can't even imagine what would happen if Heero knew…

Oh, yeah…! Heero and I live together. You know, after the war and all that we needed a place to live so we decided to share an apartment. Even though it wasn't easy making him say yes. Well… after visiting Quat and Tro it wasn't that difficult. And, again, yes, as you all can imagine they live in this tiny, beautiful world somewhere on Earth, in one of the multiple mansions Lil' Quatre owns around the world. And Wu Fei… Wu-wu disappeared a while ago, Q's been trying to find him using his contacts on Earth and the Colonies, but… if a Gundam pilot doesn't want to be found you'll have to wait till he shows himself; that's why we left that on the side. I'm absolutely sure that Wu-babe is having a really good time with certain Oz ex-general.

So, everyone seems to be just where they wanted to be, ne? Quatre and Trowa have their bubble of love, Wu's probably enjoying the pristine gold and pink sand in some beach in the Bahamas, Heero's with the Preventers and I… have serious mental problems… Wow! Way to go, Duo!! You're my idol!!

Hey! Sometimes that helps! I love sarcasm by the way…

And I bet ya'll are thinking, "God, poor little beautiful Duo must have a lot of problems! He really must to start cutting himself!". I really really appreciate your concern but it's not necessary. You're right, I started doing this 'cause I had some tiny idle little problems, in fact, I've had problems all my life. I know most of you know my story, how I grew up on the streets doing whatever I had to do to survive, how I lost Solo to that damn plague… ya know, life's a bitch sometimes… I never met my parents, I never had a family to feel safe with; even a dysfunctional one would have done the trick, but no… and when finally I found someone I could trust, someone who offered me his shoulder to cry on, boom, everything faded away just how it came. Solo, Sister Helen, Father Maxwell… well, after all that's why I'm called Shinigami, ne? The God of Death.

And after Heero tried to self destruct I started to worry seriously. Oi, what would you think if every single person you felt some kind of affection for started to vanish from the world of the living? Heero could have been the last link of my sanity chain. When I thought that he was dead my good sense went to the train station, bought a ticket and boarded the car to a town called "Total Lunacy". But of course, we were in a war so that went unnoticed by most of the people… most but not all… I was lucky Quat was there for me. And I still don't understand how Heero survived an explosion like that.

I should've known… he's the "Perfect Soldier", ne? Anyway…

Next time I see Tro-man I'm going to kiss him till I'm out of air; he took care of Heero while he was injured after all. Quatre might not like that, though. So, I'm currently unemployed, I don't go to school 'cause is really boring… Sally Po asked me to join the Preventers but I really don't wanna be near a gun anymore. I'm most of the time on the Internet, downloading songs and vids, sometime movies… Fun, huh? And then I discovered this really nice hobby… yeah, self mutilation sounds gross but is not so bad once you get used to it. 

Ok! Now is time to bandage my arm. It takes nothing more that a couple of minutes… if I get it right the first try. And while I do this let me ask you something… Changing topics, how do you know when you're in love? I mean, yeah, I've been with girls and all but I didn't really felt something special for them, and since the war, when I met Heero and the guys, a funny feeling appeared in here, I mean, my chest. Every time he comes near me… every time those gorgeous Prussian blue eyes gawk at me… every time he talks to me… well, that's not too often but it's nice when it happens… you know where I'm going. Ok, maybe, and just maybe, I feel something that's more than friendship or lust for Heero… do you think he returns my feelings? Uh? Do you think Lil' Duo can make that frost covering him melt? Hmm… you don't have to think that hard, ya know…

"What are you doing?"

Uh oh, this is no good…

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Shinya: Ok, how was that people? 

Cloud: *mutters* Do you really have to ask? Can't you see your monstrosity by yourself?

Shinya: Oh, Shut up, you big meanie!

Cloud: *shrugs*

Mino: Mino like it!! Mino like it!

Shinya: *Pats Mino's blond head* Why, thanks. I knew you had a good taste in fan fictions

Mino: Mino wants pocky as promised now

Shinya: Damn… Here you go…

Mino: Waiii!! Coconut pocky!

Shinya: Do I have to bribe my own muse to have a nice comment about this fic? I hope not… ¬_¬

So, people, go easy on me, remember that was just the prologue, the story will have some other stuff besides just Duo talking and chapters will be longer than that. AND I just want you to consider that this is my FIRST English fic, my vocabulary is not that big… but I'm trying and that's what counts, right?

~Silence~

***RIGHT??!!***

-_-U anyway… it'll be nice to have some reviews from Latin girls, I know there's a lot of you out there! ^-^ Espero que les haya gustado. And of course International reviewers are nice too. 

Ok, bai bai!! ^^ 


	2. Chapter one

Hiya everyone! ^-^ I just wanted to thank Eyes in the darkness, Rei, ShinigamiAOD and Demoness of Punishment for their reviews!! Arigatô minna! I was really excited 'cause I've never had 4 in a day! You're great! ^^

Disclaimer: In a world where night lasts forever, j-rock rules and cigarettes are cheap… I own G Wing. But, get real, that's never gonna happen so DON'T SUE! :P

Warnings: Bad English. 

Pairings: You all know now ^^

A/N: I was watching "Friends" while I wrote this so I'm not really sure if this came out the way it should… -_-

~*~*~ denotes change of POV****

_Italics are thoughts_

**Illness Illusion**

**~Chapter 1~**

"What are you doing?"

Uh oh… Did I forget to lock the damn door?! Man! Why this always happens to me?! Wait… this never happened before… see what you make me do? Jeez… 

I turned to the sound of the voice and guess what I found… in the door number one we have… a Heero!!!

"Hey, Heero, what are you doing here?" A smile always does the job, right? Why am I not nervous? Well, Lucky me, I did the bandaging in the first try!

"I live here, remember?" he said. _Very funny, Heero_. Even when he says something like that he has this really serious look… at times is creepy.

"Ha ha… what are you doing here so early?" 

"What happened to your arm?" 

Whoa… is he worried? He reached out to touch the bandaged arm and I stepped back trying to escape his hand. Uh… don't come closer, Heero… ok, stop right there! You're freaking me out! 

"Uh, nothing… I cut myself a while ago."

"Are you ok?"

Ok, who are you and what did you do with my Heero?! Yeah, I know I'm overreacting a little… ok, a lot… but you'd understand me if you where in my place. Heero has this really weird mood swings and sometimes I don't know what to expect. 

"Yeah, it wasn't that big, really"

"Hn"

You see? That's what I'm talking about. What's with this "Hn" thing anyway…? I've been hearing him "Hn" since we met and it's really annoying. 

"So, Sally let you out of your cage for a while and you came to check on kawaii Duo?" I said as I passed him, his eyes narrowed a bit and I knew better than to stay so close to him in the bathroom. 

He didn't answer, though, not even one of his frustrating "hn's"; maybe he had a bad day at Preventers? Hmm… Should I leave him alone or should I cheer him up? Yeah, like that was possible… I remember someone told me once "Don't bite more than you can chew" and I don't wanna choke this time so I better let him be.

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"Twinkle twinkle little star…" 

He was singing that ridiculous tune again while he was making a late breakfast. I walked in the kitchen lured by the strangely pleasant smell that came out of the room, Duo turned to me whilst he stirred the mixture on the fire.

"Hiya, Heero" he said as if he hadn't seen me just a couple of minutes ago. "Want some breakfast?"

I wasn't really hungry but I was curious about what was in the pot. He waited for an answer but I just walked next to him to see the concoction. It was like a paste of something with raisins and cinnamon sticks sticking out of the surface. It looked kind of repulsive but smelled really sweet.

"What is that?" 

"Oh, something I watched on T.V." he said slightly smiling. "I was really bored but then I found this food channel…"

"Duo" I demanded a simple answer not a complete explanation about it.

"Is Rice and Milk!" [1] He smiled like it was the most wonderful thing in the world. 

_Rice and milk…? That I never heard of before. _

"Hn" I grunted not really interested.

His smile faltered and he focused in stirring. What was he waiting for? For me to start bouncing up and down? What's so special about rice and milk anyway…? Maybe now that he's serious is a good time to ask him what will happen with his life…

"Did you find something to do at last?"

"Uh? Oh, not really" He murmured, he seemed a little bit lost.

"You know you can't be like this forev-"

"I know, Heero! You don't have to tell me that every single day! I know I'm a lazy ass, I know I'm just a pebble in your shoe and I'm really sorry! Ok?!"

The sudden outburst was a little bit unexpected. I don't know why he reacts like that, he has this really weird mood swings… 

"And do you plan to do something about it?"

"Yeah…"

"When?"

"When pigs fly and hell freezes…" he said and stormed out of the kitchen leaving his "Rice and Milk" on the fire. 

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"Jerk…" 

Ok, I know I overreacted again but… it just make me feel so miserable when he talks about how useless I am… ok, so he didn't said exactly that but… anyhow he probably thought it. Man… I wish I was like him… when he wants something he'll do anything to get it, he doesn't need to cut himself to feel better… and all this ranting began 'cause I need to find a job.

"Is easy to say it…"

I sat down on my bed trying to get my thoughts in order. What can an ex-Gundam pilot do for a living without having to deal with guns and death? Do you have any idea? Heero's been paying the bills so far and that's unfair, I shouldn't allow that to happen anymore but I really don't know what to do with myself…!

Maybe he just said what he said because he's worried… 

"Yeah, Honey, take a deep breath, you're running out of oxygen…"

Damn… I should go and apologize… I didn't mean to yell at him. He's been extremely patient and look how I pay him back. Perhaps he's still in the kitchen… 

"Oh shit! My candy!!"

I crossed the apartment at full speed trying to save my precious Rice and Milk but when I passed rushing the living room something stopped me in my track. Heero was there, sitting on the sofa watching the news with… a cup of my rice and milk… and he seemed to be enjoying it.

"Uh, Heero…?"

"Hn?"

He was so enthralled with the news that he didn't even tossed a glance at me.

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry 'cause I shouldn't have yelled at you 'cause after all you're right and I know I gotta find a job but-"

"Duo"

"Yes?"

"I'm trying to watch the TV"

"Oh, ok… no hard feelings then?"

"Hn"

Jeez… yet again a "hn". 

"That's a "hn yes" or a "hn no"?"

Finally he looked at me. His lips were twisted in a curious grin that made my heart race and my face blush.

"This is good, you should make it more often" he said taking another spoonful of the sweet treat.

God, I'm melting… you'll have to pick me up with a spoon this time. I was tempted to check if he had a fever or something like that but I didn't want to ruin the moment. I sat down by his side pretending to watch the news even if they were about that pink cow… you know who I'm talking about… she's still after Heero, can you believe that?! For crying out loud! It's been two years since the war ended! Anyhow… 

"You want some?" he asked offering some of the sweet with his spoon.

My expression must have been really funny 'cause he started laughing! Oh, surprise surprise! What's with him today?! Hey! Not that I'm complaining. He shoved the spoon in my open mouth and the sugary taste invaded my tongue.

"Thanks" I said around the spoon and he just smirked and pulled the spoon off my mouth.

I was at a loss of words… now the only thing that I needed was a kiss and then I'd be sure that something really wrong was happening here… not such luck, though… he stood up and disappeared into the kitchen, when he emerged he was carrying another cup filled with rice. 

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Hiya, there! Guess what I'm doing? No, not that, you pervs! 

After Heero and I spent all the afternoon watching the news and "talking" about this and that… I went to my bedroom and tried to go back to the first word he said to me that morning… "What are you doing…?" I realized that it was the query of the year. 

It really got me thinking… and after a few minutes of considering it… I decided to lock myself in the bathroom with my little friend… the razor… again…

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[1] I'm not sure about this one. If anyone knows what's the translation for "Arroz en leche" please email me ^^U

Mino: Reviews are better than Pocky!! 

Shinya: Yeah! So be good with Mino-chan and Cloud-kun and review!

Mino: But-but… We want Pocky too!

Cloud: *glares* I don't eat Pocky… Pocky is just for girls…

Mino: Is not!

Cloud: It is!

Mino: Is not!

Cloud: It is!

Shinya: Now now, boys, behave yourselves. 

How was that? ^^ I don't know if it made sense but… I'll wait for your reviews, 'k?

Bai bai! ^^


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